An XMen Parody
by RyroIsLuv
Summary: This is a parody of Shakespeare with XMen characters. It's better than it sounds, I promise.
1. Act 1, Scene 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, not even the script. _

_A/N: This is a modernized parody of a famous, Shakespearean play using X-Men characters. Don't be fooled. This is a Ryro. A big shout out thank you to my co-writer, PsYcHoThErApY17, who is working on Act I: Scene II as we speak. So, let the show begin!_

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**Narrator:**

Two sides, both the same in their dignity

In the city of Manchester in upstate New York

From a timeless rivalry a new war breaks

Where mutant blood dirties mutant hands.

From out of these two sides, a pair of star crossed lovers die

And when they are dead, the two sides cease their fight.

_**Act 1: Xavier's enter  
**_

**Berserker:**

Cannonball, I'm telling you. We can't take these insults; it'd be like lugging coal.

**Cannonball:**

Yeah. An' then we'd be coal miners.

**Berserker:**

_(annoyed sigh)_ I mean, if we're angry, we should fight.

**Cannonball:**

Yeah, and afterward you can limp to medical to have the wounds from the FoH tended.

**Berserker:**

I'll be quick, since I'm angry.

**Cannonball:**

But you can't move that quick.

**Berserker:**

A jerk on Magneto's side ticked me off.

**Cannonball:**

Move: to stir. Therefore, if you move, you'd be running, not fighting.

**Berserker:**

A dog of that side will move me to fight. I'll kill anyone sided with Magneto. Male or female.

**Cannonball:**

That just proves you're weak. Only weaklings push their opponents to the wall. Why kill the women anyway?

**Berserker:**

Yeah, I know. And women, being the generally weaker sex, always get killed. Or at least injured. Therefore, I will kill Magneto's men and injure the women.

**Cannonball:**

The war is between Xavier and Magneto, and therefore us, too.

**Berserker:**

Eh…It's all the same. I'll prove I'm stronger. When I have killed the men, I'll be humane to the women and take their heads.

**Cannonball:**

Decapitate the women?

**Berserker:**

Yeah. Or screw them. Believe what you want.

**Cannonball:**

They'll feel dirty when I'm through with them.

**Berserker:**

They'll know me while I'm standing, since I'm so handsome.

**Cannonball:**

Good thing they ain't fish; if they were, they'd be a poor catch.

_(Multiple Man enters with a clone)_

Get ready. Here they come.

**Berserker:**

I'm ready. I got your back.

**Cannonball: **_(skeptical eyebrow raised)_

How? Turning and running the other way?

**Berserker:**

Trust me.

**Cannonball:**

Sure. I'll trust you to turn and run.

**Berserker:**

Let them start it. That way, _they'll _go to jail, not us.

**Cannonball:**

Fine. I'll walk by and frown, and they can take it however they want.

**Berserker:**

Nah. I'm going to flick them off. That'll definitely provoke them. _(flicks off Multiple Man)_

**Multiple Man (M.M.):**

Did you just flick me off?

**Berserker:**

Yes I did.

**M.M.:**

Did you just flick me off?

**Berserker: **_(aside to Cannonball)_

Will we go to jail if we say yes?

**Cannonball: **_(aside to Berserker)_

Yes!

**Berserker:**

No, I didn't flick _you_ off. I flicked _them_ off. _(points to civilians)_

**Cannonball:**

Why? You want to challenge us?

**M.M.:**

Challenge you? No.

**Berserker:**

Because if you did, I'd take you on myself. Xavier's just as good as Magneto.

**M.M.:**

Not better?

**Berserker:**

Well—

**Cannonball: **_(sees Iceman coming; to Berserker)_

Say 'better'! Here comes one of the X-Men.

**Berserker:**

Yes. Better.

**M.M.:**

Liar.

**Berserker: **

Bring it on, then, if you're not chicken. Cannonball, watch my back.

_They fight_

**Toad: **_(tongue slaps both parties)_

Knock it off, guys. You guys are gonna get us all thrown in the slammer, yo.

**Iceman:**

What's the matter, Toad? You as pusillanimous as Maddrox? Bring it on, Froggy!

**Toad:**

I'm just trying to keep us outta the slammer, so stop trying to freeze me and help me break these guys up, yo.

**Iceman:**

You're talking peace while on the offensive? Yeah, right. Bring it, Frog Breath.

_They fight_

**Friends of Humanity (FoH): **_(enter, armed and begin firing into the fray)_

Shoot 'em! Kill the muties! Kill 'em all!

_Xavier & Storm and Magneto & Mystique enter_

**Xavier:**

What is this? Erik is trying my patience. Storm, I'm going after him.

**Storm:**

Charles, don't. You're too old.

**Xavier:**

Nonsense, Storm. I'm perfectly capable of taking on Erik.

**Magneto:**

Come, then, Charles. _held back by Mystique _Release me, Mystique.

**Mystique:**

I won't let you make a fool of yourself, Erik.

_President enters_

**President:**

What is going on here? Friends, Professor, Magneto, control your men or I will have all of you arrested for disturbing the peace!

_Respective leaders call to their men to a halt_

Thank you. Now, Professor, Magneto, that's three public battles between your sides that started from a couple of ridiculous insults. Now, Professor, come with me to my office so we may discuss this. Magneto, you come this afternoon. We will settle this or I will have you all arrested.

_All exit except Magneto, Mystique, and Toad_

**Magneto: **_(to Toad)_

Who started it this time, Toad?

**Toad:**

Xavier's boys and Multiple were at it when I got there. I tried separating them, but that icicle got in my way. He tried freezing me, and all I did was dodge. Then the President showed up.

**Mystique:**

Where was Pyro? Have you seen him today?

**Toad:**

I saw him underneath the sycamore grove before sunrise this morning. He knew I was watching him, though, and he went deeper into the woods. I wasn't really in the mood to follow him.

**Magneto:**

He's been there a lot in the mornings, moping and sighing.

**Toad:**

Do you know why?

**Magneto:**

No, and he won't tell me, either.

**Toad:**

Did you ask him?

**Magneto:**

Yes, many times. I even had Avalanche ask him, but he won't tell anyone. _(sigh)_ I don't know what to do.

_Pyro comes from a distance_

**Toad:**

Hey, look. Here he comes.

**Magneto:**

Good. You talk to him and see if you can find out what's wrong. Come, Mystique.

_They exit_

**Toad:**

Mornin', coz!

**Pyro:**

Is it really that early?

**Toad:**

Nine o'clock, bro.

**Pyro:**

I guess so. Eh, I suppose time drags by when you're miserable. Was that Mags that just left?

**Toad:**

Yeah. Why is time draggin' by so slow for ya?

**Pyro:**

Because I don't have anything to make it go faster.

**Toad:**

You in love, bro?

**Pyro:**

Out—

**Toad:**

Of love?

**Pyro:**

She doesn't love me.

**Toad:**_ (sighs, empathizing)_

Yeah. That Cupid looks like a cuddly kid, but he ain't. Nothin' but a mean prankster.

**Pyro:**

Heh. Cupid is blind, and since he is blind, he thinks he is a god. Where should we eat? _Sees the fight remnants_ What the fuck happened here? Wait, don't tell me. I've heard it. You and Xavier's men got in a fight, right? _Toad nods_ Thought so. Fuck I hate the way I love fighting. It's ridiculous. _Sidelong look at Toad_ Well, aren't you going to laugh?

**Toad:**

Nah. I'd rather cry with ya, bro.

**Pyro:**

Why's that?

**Toad:**

Because you're a good guy, and if you can't find love, there's no hope for someone like me.

**Pyro:**

Hey, no big deal; that's love, right? Don't pity me. Love was given, love was taken away. End of story. See ya later, coz.

**Toad:**

Wait. I'll come with ya, yo. Seems like you can use the company, ya know?

**Pyro:**

Heh. Not really. I don't even know who I am anymore.

**Toad:**

Who shot ya down, anyway?

**Pyro:**

What? You want me to break down and cry and tell you?

**Toad:**

No. But seriously, who?

**Pyro:**

I'm lovesick, coz. I can't eat, can barely sleep. I hate it.

**Toad:**

I hit that right on the mark.

**Pyro:**

Yeah, you did. And she's beautiful. God is she beautiful. She ought to have a bull's-eye painted on her chest.

**Toad:**

If she's that easy, you'll get her back.

**Pyro:**

Unfortunately, I don't think so. She's immune to Cupid's arrows. It's like she has a solid block of ice encasing her heart.

_Toad shudders at the memory of Iceman_

I swear, I've tried everything; flattery, gifts, endless advancements, both stealthy and blatant. I don't know what else to do.

**Toad:**

She take a vow of chastity or somethin'?

**Pyro:**

Probably. If so, it's a waste. I mean, she's gorgeous; she could get any guy she wanted, and yet she refuses. Apparently she's sworn not to love. _(sigh)_ I don't think I can live without her.

**Toad:**

Dude, listen. Just forget about her.

**Pyro:**

I wish I could. I don't know how.

**Toad:**

Just check out some other ladies, bro. There's always more fish in the sea.

**Pyro:**

How can I forget her? She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. There will never be one like her. You can't make me forget her.

**Toad:**

Oh, I'll get you to forget about her, or so help me, I'll die trying.

_They exit_

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_A/N: So there's the first scene. Anybody want to take a gander at which play this is? I'll give ya a cookie if you guess correctly. _


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

**ACT 1, SCENE 2**

_A street. XAVIER, LOGAN, SERVANT_

"Magneto must, as we know, keep the peace or he will, in turn be punished as the rest of us would be. Anyway, we are both wise enough to find a suitable way of maintaining peace." Xavier said.

"I know, Chuck, you've both done a great job so far. Its a damn shame you had to live with this shit for so long. But, uh, moving on, I just wanted to know what you'd think about me dating and er maybe possibly marrying Rogue?" inquired Logan

"Must I repeat myself, Logan? She hasn't even been able to see the world as yet, she is barely fourteen. I'll tell you what, in two years, when I think she will be more mature as well as prepared, then she will be ready for marriage and dating of sorts." Xavier replied.

"I've seen younger brides and mothers, Chuck, and they all seemed pretty happy," Logan countered.

"Those who marry so early are most often scarred for life. They don't get to experience anything but the responsibility of motherhood. I was never able to set out to do all the things I dreamed I would, I don't want to take that opportunity away from her, my daughter still has her hope and innocence. Don't get me wrong though, Logan. I do wish for you to seek her hand, but my wishes are only half of what you need. In fact they are even less important seeing as it is her decision to make in all finality. And if she does agree to you, then by all means, you have my whole hearted consent," Xavier assured him.

"Tonight, of course, I'll hold a customary feast for all friends," he continued, "you included Logan. I have already invited many guests so I do hope you can make it. There will be most the beautiful women and fresh Spring flowers, you mustn't resist. Come, go with me." He turned to one of the children and handed the small boy a slip of paper. "Would you mind inviting all my future guests? Tell them I welcome their company here at my house tonight," he told the boy. He and Logan left, still discussing Rogue.

"Find who now?!" The boy called after them, but they were already out of range. "Oh crap. Its only common sense that a shoemaker works with his shoemaker tools, a fisher with his nets and even a damn artist with their pencil and paper. And you know what? They know how to use 'em and they're pretty damn good at it too. But me? Oh, no. Here I am with a great bloody sheet of paper, in which is written all the names of all those I must invite, and I can't read! I suppose I have to find someone who can..." With that, he went in search of someone literate.

"That's crap, man; one fire burns out another's burning. A pain is blunted by another's pain, yo.  
One sucky depression gets cured with someone elses," Toad rambled to Pyro. "Dude, and if you get some sort of gross eye infection, at least the other poison and shit'll die."

"I hear that weird ointment stuff you got is great for that." Pyro remarked.

"Huh? For what, yo?" Toad asked, puzzled.

"For your cut shin, you idiot!" Pyro smirked.

"Uhh...you going crazy on me now?"

"No, not crazy," Pyro sighed. "I wish I was going fucking crazy, though, because it'd be better than this. I feel caged, shut up in a goddamn cell without food while being beaten and tormented and--." He spotted the boy and shut up. "Oh," he sputtered, "uh, good afternoon.""Good afternoon to you too," the boy said. He looked at the paper and then to Pyro and Toad. "I have to ask, can you read?"

"Yeah, I guess," Pyro shrugged. "I learned on my own though."

"Oh, like without books?" the small boy asked, fascinated. He remembered his reason for being there, and quickly asked, "But anyway, can you read like...anything?"

"Yup," Pyro laughed. Thinking, he added, "If I can even understand it, that is. I don't do foreign languages."

"Oh, I see," the boy said, a bit put out. "Okay, well at least you were honest. Bye!"

"Wait!" Pyro stopped him in exasperation. "I'll read it, all right? Geez..." He read the names: "Signor Martino and his wife and daughters, Count Anselm and his beautiful sisters, the lady widow of Vitruvio, Signor Placentio and his lovely nieces, Avalanche and his brother Valentine, mine uncle Xavier, his wife and daughters, my fair niece Rosaline and Livia, Signor Valentino and his cousin Iceman, Lucio and the lively Helena." He handed the list back. "Where the hell are they invited to?"

"Up," replied the boy.

"Up?" Pyro reitterated. "Like, _where_ up?"

"To our house."

"Whose house?" Pyro asked, losing his patience.

"My master's," the boy replied.

"Oh. Figures, I should've thought of that before the pointless questins, huh?" Pyro shook his head.

"Now I'll tell you without asking. My master is the great rich, Xavier, and if you're not one of Magneto's men, come and have a drink or something! Take care!"And with that, he scampered away.

"Oh! Dude! Rosie's going to be at the same feast, yo! I seriously love her, man. When you go, you can see her too, I swear she is the most beautiful woman in the whole world. There is just no comparison with any other, you know what I mean?" His gaze became distant and dreamy.

"Shut up before I flame your ass," Pyro threatened. "No one's as beautiful as my love. No one, you'd know exactly what I mean if you saw her. Trust me."

"Yeah, right," Toad grinned. "You're only saying that because you only saw her when she was all alone, remember? There was no one to compare her to, yo. You might've totally got the wrong image. Wait 'till you see her compared to all the babes that'll be at the feast tonight. You'll barely notice her, man."

Pyro sneered. "Whatever. Fine, I'll go, but not to see Rosie or whoever the fuck else. But to see my love."


End file.
